take hold of my hand,
let’s walk this world together;
don’t let go when the arrows fly,
let the pain flow between us – so neither
carries more than they can bear;
hold on tight as we discover
we are stronger as one
There is always a very painful place left within me when the arrows of ignorance, hate or just plain evil fly in this world. I don’t have to be the victim to feel the agony of the loss. Holding death to my heart as a young woman, shattered the plastic ‘it’s all about me’ shell. It opened my heart up to feel the horrific pain of others. It never closed. I never want it to.
The battle I wage in the wake of these tragedies is one against the rage that threatens to overtake me. It’s the monster that whispers in my ear. The monster that has never left my side and will not leave until I breathe my last. It hides in my shadow, waiting to strike. It came to be as part of my early survival, but grew into something capable of killing me. When I was sword-ready, I stood up to fight against it.
I was never the same. I became a woman unable to duck & cover. I am compelled to feel the fire. I also discovered that I have to take the hand of other warriors as I make my way through the damage caused by the self-centered, hate-filled, evil and deceptive motherf@ckers of this world. That is the only way I have survived and will continue to.
I am tired. Of that there is no doubt. That’s because I always take a hit. I will always get hit because I will stand right in the goddamn path of the evil seeking to destroy us all – whether I want to or not. And not just to protect those I love. I will always fall on my bed in wretched pain for a Pastor I will never meet, who was unable to protect his precious little girl or the family of the expectant mother who simply went to celebrate her faith. That is who I am.
I am also capable of re-energizing because I am, by design, a self-healer. I will fight the fight that is required of me. I will feel the pain of others so I am compelled to cry out for an increase of Love on this planet. Then I will tend to the ache in my soul. I will do what I need to do in order to step back into the Light.
I was telling a friend earlier that I’ve found it necessary over the past several years to simplify my surroundings. I developed a minimalist heart. I need honest love, shelter, food and little else. I feel the call to release more of the nonsense in my life even now.
As I’ve aged, I’ve found that it is absolutely critical for me to shake off bullshit if I am going to have weapons of real value in my quiver to bring to the fight for love and healing. I may not have the energy I once had, but I’ve definitely got enough heart to keep on fighting and taking the hits necessary to stay connected to hurting human beings.
I’m very, very blessed to have around me a small and dedicated band of warriors who take hold of my hand to not only share their strength with me, but to shoulder some of my pain as well. They keep me strong and focused – denying the monster any more power than to bruise me a little.
Bruises heal. Rage kills.