I have to be reminded to…

As far back as I can remember I have always, literally held my breath.  My mother used to remind me to breathe when I was young.

Thank God the life-sustaining requirement to breathe is an automatic function of the brain stem or I might be dead. It’s never been a conscious decision, I would just silently hold it in. It wasn’t a bratty holding  your breath move. That was not and has never been my style. No physical abnormality -just holding in the precious air for fear, I suppose, I wouldn’t get more.

I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know if the habit was formed in the early, fearful years of my life but it remains. I need to learn to exhale. To take in fresh, healing oxygen and then release the bad stuff. This is one of those things I am desperate to change about myself. As I’ve aged this habit is causing physical difficulties for me and I want to master it. I want to regain the strength I once had. I need to breathe. I need to relax and breathe.

What am I holding on to?  Why am I afraid to let it out? It’s always been this way for me. No one notices it but my Beloved and he will coach me when he sees it or can tell I am experiencing the effects of it. I want to face and let go of whatever trauma is buried so deep in my soul that I’m afraid to expose and release it.

I want to breathe!!!!

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